Monday, January 11, 2016

That Time Someone Sent a Dick Pic to James Monroe

One of my Christmas presents was a book called Presidential Doodles: Two Centuries of Scribbles, Scratches, Squiggles, and Scrawls from the Oval Office by David Greenberg. (Fun fact: Many presidential doodles would make great tattoos!)

Not surprisingly, there aren't many doodles from the earliest presidents. A lot of papers weren't preserved, plus it's probably harder to doodle when you have to keep dipping your quill into ink.

James Monroe doesn't seem to have left behind any doodles of his own, but we do have a doodle that was sent to him. It's a doodle of a penis. Supposedly.

Someone sent him a lovely letter that said:

You are hereby appointed president of The Baltimore Shithouse Cleaning Society. By order of the Committee, Jeremiah Jingle Bolloc, Acting Secy.

I hope you will accept my old

And then there's a drawing of a...thing. I don't use "thing" here as a euphemism for "penis." I mean, it really looks like some kind of...thing? A kitchen implement of some kind? I showed Mr. Presidentressor and he guessed starship. If the letter hadn't gone on to specify, I probably wouldn't have guessed penis.

But thankfully the letter does go on, immediately after that:

(i.e. cock). You are worthy of the appointment and it is worthy of you. Yours intimately, J. Jinglebolloc.

Hurra for the shitter presidents

I'm not sure if taking a photo of a public-domain drawing (which I imagine it is) in a copyrighted book is okay, so I went ahead and drew Mr. Jinglebolloc's member to the best of my abilities. (Based on my drawings of Chester Arthur and Woodrow Wilson, you can decide for yourself how much stock to put in it.)

Mr. Jinglebolloc's Jingle Bolloc
Really, though, that's what it looks like.

It's worth nothing that author Greenberg says, "Scholars of the early republic suspect [Jeremiah Jinglebolloc] was not his real name."

This just goes to show that the level of intelligence and civility you'll find in today's political discussions on Facebook existed in the early 1800s as well.

Thursday, January 7, 2016

DIY Woodrow Wilson Puppet


In this blog post, I'm going to show you how you can make your very own Woodrow Wilson puppet!!! But first, I'd like to share my favorite anecdote about Woodrow Wilson, which really has very little to do with the puppet but is worth knowing anyway.

Wilson's wife, Ellen, died during his first term as president. A few months later, he started dating Edith Galt, the woman who would become his second wife. One night they went to a play and, in one of the greatest typo-incidents in history, the Washington Post reported that "rather than paying attention to the play the president spent the evening entering Mrs. Galt." (They clearly meant "entertaining," but I'm glad they messed up.)

Another interesting fact about Woodrow Wilson (one probably more important than his dating practices and definitely more pertinent to this craft) is that he suffered a massive stroke during his second term, and his doctor and Edith basically kept it secret from the public and even from most people in Washington.

For the last year or so of his presidency, he was almost completely incapacitated. Although he eventually regained some strength and abilities, there were good chunks of time when he couldn't see, talk, walk, even sit up in bed. But why should that stop someone from being president?

His doctor publicly downplayed his condition, and his wife started serving as an intermediary between Woodrow and the rest of the world. When official business needed to be conducted, she would present it to the president in private, then report back with his input or decisions. (Supposedly. It's also possible she made decisions herself.)

On a few occasions, Edith and the doctor would put Woodrow in some nice clothes and prop him up in bed with a blanket pulled high over him to hide his partial paralysis. Then he would "meet" with other officials briefly, until he couldn't focus anymore.

Woodrow Wilson's wife and doctor had essentially turned him into a puppet...and now you can, too!

This is really more of an articulated doll than a puppet, but let's not get picky. Initially this was supposed to be one of those "jumping jacks," where you tie string to the back and then pull on it to move the arms and legs, but after numerous YouTube tutorials and hours of different attempts, that just wasn't happening. If you want to try, more power to you, and please share if it works!

Here's what you'll need to make the doll:

  • Woodrow Wilson Doll Template. You can click on the photo for a jpeg version, or click here for a PDF.
  • Heavy cardstock or cardboard (preferred)
  • Glue 
  • Crayons, markers, gel pens, etc.
  • Scissors and possibly a craft knife, depending on what material you're using
  • Tiny hole punch, a push pin, or an awl 
  • Brads/paper fasteners

I mean, really, you can print this thing out, color it, cut it, and stick it together. It's not rocket science. But if you want this to be a lasting heirloom for your grandkids or something, take a little extra time to do it right.

Here's what I did.

I printed the template on regular paper, colored it, then glued it onto thick cardboard.



After it dried I cut everything out, which was difficult because my cardboard was really thick. Feel free to use an Xacto knife, a box cutter, or whatever works for you. But do a nice job. This is a president we're talking about.



Once you have your pieces cut out, you need to make holes on the little black dots. If you're just using paper or cardstock, you can use a hole punch but it needs to be a very small one. If you don't have a hole punch, you can use a pushpin or something. Honestly, though, the easiest thing (and probably a necessity if you're working with something heavier) is an awl. Seriously, get one of these. So easy and handy for all your hole-making needs!



Then you can take your brads and fasten everything together. I wound up trimming the ends of my brads because they stuck out. I used scissors, but you should probably use wire cutters so you don't ruin your blades. But whatever works for you.

The brads (trimmed or untrimmed) can be kind of sharp, so be careful if you let kids play with this. I can just see Woodrow Wilson hanging around with Barbie and a couple Bratz dolls, can't you? I bet he'd like to spend some time entering them.

Hey, baby.

Congratulations! Now you have a Woodrow Wilson doll of your very own! Use it wisely!

In case you're wondering about the symbolism and authenticity of this...apparently when he was propped up in bed they dressed him in a gray sweater, not a suit. Oh well. He probably didn't have bunny slippers, either, if you want to get technical.

Wilson wanted the United States to join the League of Nations after WWI, but Congress didn't agree. It didn't help that Wilson couldn't campaign for his cause since he was a little incapacitated.

The sheep? That's because the Wilsons utilized sheep to keep the White House grass trimmed during the war. It cut down on costs and manpower, plus the sheep's wool was auctioned off to raise money for the Red Cross. (That should still be common practice as far as I'm concerned. I'd totally buy yarn made from White House sheep. On the other hand, people would complain about the sheep taking jobs from hard-working Americans. You just can't win.) Of course after his stroke, Wilson wasn't really holding sheep---or much of anything. So it's mostly symbolic.

If you make a Wilson doll, make sure you comment here or share your creation on the Presidentress Facebook page. You can also tweet it to me @MsPresidentress.

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

TR and the Myth of the Piranha

A few days ago we went to the Shedd Aquarium with my dad and step-mom as an after-Christmas treat. That would have been fun in itself, but everything's better when unexpected presidential trivia works its way in.

As we were admiring---if that's the word one would use---the piranha tank, a helpful Aquarium worker explained how piranhas aren't nearly as dangerous as we think, and how that erroneous perception is due largely to Teddy Roosevelt.

It all began during TR's trip to the Amazon. (Speaking of Amazon, make sure to shop there through my affiliate link! This post brought to you by shameless plugging!) Anyway, the locals wanted to make a big impression on the former president, so they dammed off a portion of the river and caught a bunch of piranhas to throw in. Then they starved the fish for several days.

Not eating for several days could make anyone cranky, and the piranhas were no exception. When Roosevelt got there, the locals pushed a live cow into the river, and rest is history...just like the cow was once the piranhas sunk their teeth into it.

The Aquarium person said that piranhas are omnivores, and as long as they're fed, they're pretty docile. My dad asked her what would happen if he jumped into the tank and she said they'd probably ignore him. We didn't test the theory.

So piranhas might not be as vicious as we've been taught, but it's more fun to think that they are, so I'm going to keep on believing that. Thanks, Teddy Roosevelt!

Friday, December 18, 2015

Separated at Birth, part 11

Ho ho ho! Welcome to this special Christmas edition of Separated at Birth!

A long time ago I wrote a post about Benjamin Harrison and how I have to struggle to remember he exists. My aunt commented that this surprises her because she "always think[s] of him as the most grandfatherly president." She pictures him "surrounded by little kids listening to him tell stories." Then she said he reminds her of Edmund Gwenn, the guy from Miracle on 34th Street.

The thing that surprised me the most about her comment is that she has actually given thought to Benjamin Harrison. I didn't know that was something anyone had ever done. Ever.

I already had a "Separated at Birth" planned for Benjamin Harrison, but on my aunt's suggestion, I did another.

First, B. Harrison and Edmund Gwenn (I guess...I admit I've never seen the entire movie. I know, I know!)


Second, B. Harrison and Andrew Carnegie, who generally isn't as beloved as Santa Claus, but who did give a lot of money to charity and built libraries and stuff.


Merry Christmas from Presidentress, and Benjamin Harrison!

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Presidential Christmas Carol 2015

Last year I started the grand tradition of rewriting a popular Christmas song to give it a presidential theme. The other day I posted last year's masterpiece, Cleveland the Creepy POTUS, and now it's time to reveal this year's offering, about Warren G. Harding.

So curl up next to the fire with a cup of hot chocolate and this photo of Harding. Gaze into his eyes and sing this song about him, set to the tune of Frosty the Snowman.


Warren G. Harding 
Was a suave, determined guy. 
He carried on with a bunch of broads,
One who was a German spy.

Warren G. Harding
Was a ladies' man they say.
Forget Teapot Dome, he liked to roam
And bed all kinds of dames. 

There was a girl from his hometown
Whom he was keen to hit on. 
And that is how he got involved
With a mistress named Nan Britton. 

Oh Warren G. Harding
Should have been a bit more cautious
But his whole plan was to get with Nan
All around his senate office. 

Humpity hump hump
Humpity hump hump
Look at Warren go. 
Humpity hump hump
Humpity hump hump
Was she looking for some dough?

Warren G. Harding
Learned Nan was in a family way.
But he said, "That's great, don't bloviate.
I'll help you with our babe."

Down by the seashore
Nan gave birth to Harding's daughter. 
She accepted things like coats and rings
And the cash that he'd allot her. 

He was elected president
But kept their secret life. 
Nan looked forward to the moment when
She'd hear him call her "wife."

Oh, Warren G. Harding
Had to take a trip out west. 
He went and died; people'd say Nan lied
And the truth would be suppressed. 

Scribble and scrawl all,
Nan wrote a tell-all
To make a formal plea. 
She said it was unfair,
She put it all out there.
What return to normalcy?

Notes:
First, that ornament(s) up there? That's the 2014 White House Christmas ornament featuring a train that Harding took (and got to drive for a few minutes!) when he took his fateful trip out west. The train later carried his body back after he died in San Francisco. Good times!

I actually got the idea to write this song shortly after finishing last year's song about Grover Cleveland. The names "Warren G. Harding" and "Frosty the Snowman" go so well together. At the time, I had planned on the song being more about Harding's affair with Carrie Phillips, the potential German spy, but that plan changed a few months ago when DNA testing showed that Harding really had fathered a child with Nan Britton.

In case you've forgotten from your high school history class, Teapot Dome is the name of a major scandal that took place during Harding's Administration. (It involved oil fields, not teapots or domes.) He probably didn't know about it, but since it happened on his watch, he gets the blame.

I wanted to work in the word "bloviate," one of Harding's favorites, and also the term "Return to Normalcy," Harding's campaign promise to help America get back to normal after World War I. (Dave Barry, in Dave Barry Slept Here, questions whether "normalcy" is even a real word. It is, but it sounds fake, doesn't it?)

Anyway, have fun singing this song while wrapping presents or baking cookies. If you go caroling this year, make sure you add it to your repertoire and see how people react!

As my New Year's Resolution, I promise to try to stop writing so much about Harding, because I know other people don't find him as fascinating as I do. We'll see how that goes.

Friday, December 4, 2015

Presidentress Gift Guide 2015

Happy Holidays, everyone! If you're looking for the perfect gift for the strange presidential pseudo-historian in your life, you've come to the right place! Below is a list of things that I love, meaning they would make great gifts for the special historical nerd in your life.

Note that some of the links (namely, the Amazon ones) are affiliate links. Buying stuff through those links helps support this blog at no extra cost to you. All the other links are non-affiliate links that do absolutely nothing for me, but that shouldn't stop you from buying stuff.



First up, any book by Sarah Vowell. I've written before about how she's one of my very favorite authors, and she should be one of yours, too. Her writing is funny and intelligent, the best combination in my opinion.



Some artwork from Veeptopus. Nothing says "holiday spirit" like a Vice President with an octopus on his head. I have a few pieces of Veeptopus artwork, and I won't rest until every home in America does.



Presidential building blocks. I don't actually own these, but only because I can't justify the cost. But maybe someone in your life is worth $88 to you.



Another one of my favorite things is J.D. and Kate Industries, the people behind Hottest Heads of State and the amazing online novel Senator Dracula (still in progress). Now you can show your support for Senator Dracula with a fantastic bumper sticker!



Presidential Pez Dispensers. Prez Dispensers? The Kennedy one only goes back, not back and to the left. (Too soon?)

Feeling like being charitable or supporting a non-profit? Presidentress has gift ideas for that, too.


The annual Christmas ornament from the White House Historical Association, this year honoring Calvin Coolidge, would look amazing on anyone's tree. The ornament looks like a little Christmas tree and includes tiny ornaments representing details about the Coolidges. For example, there's a raccoon in honor of Grace Coolidge's pet raccoon, Rebecca. (I'm not making that up.)

If an ornament representing Rebecca the Raccoon isn't enough for you, the Association also sells plush Rebeccas. (Still not making this up.)


And if you still can't get enough of presidential animals, you can help Mount Vernon "Buy a Mule for George." They're raising money to, well, buy some mules. You can donate in any amount, but a $50 donation will get you a stuffed mule.

Go out and stimulate the economy! (Or just follow these links and stay home while you stimulate the economy, because that's easier and more comfortable.)

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Cleveland the Creepy POTUS

Last year I gave my Facebook friends a very special gift: A Christmas carol about Grover Cleveland. Now, as the holiday season approaches once more, I share it with the rest of the world as well.

Stay tuned for another presidential Christmas song later in the month, too! (Presidentress: The gift that keeps on giving.)

With no further ado, here is Cleveland the Creepy POTUS, set to the tune of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer:


You know Taylor and Tyler and Arthur and Clinton
Wilson and Hoover and Truman and Nixon
But do you recall the most lowlife leader of all?

Cleveland the creepy POTUS
Had two very separate terms
And if you really knew him
It would likely make you squirm.

He date-raped a widowed woman 
Then she went and had his son.
He had her declared nutso
And locked away from everyone.

His best friend had had a kid. 
He watched her grow up. 
After the friend met his fate,
He wanted her to be his mate.

People thought he'd marry her mom
But he married her instead. 
Cleveland, the creepy POTUS
Your story cannot be unread.