I've been thinking about this post on Presidential Penis Nicknames for longer than I care to admit. In many ways, the idea for this post is what spurred the creation of this blog in the first place. You see, a couple years ago a friend of mine sent me a message on Facebook asking if Warren G. Harding had sex with his dog.
Ordinarily I'd be shocked by such a suggestion, but I knew the basis of the question. Jon Stewart had recently done a segment involving Harding, and he very matter-of-factly implied that Harding used to have sex with Laddie Boy. I want to say that Stewart was clearly kidding, but apparently this one seemed, somehow, almost plausible?
Nonetheless, I assured my friend that although Harding and Laddie Boy were very close, they did not (to the best of my knowledge) have sex with each other. I did take the opportunity to tell her that Harding had nicknamed his penis "Jerry" because I never pass up opportunities to mention that. She asked if I knew the nicknames of other presidents' penises, and that led to a flurry of speculation and also to the realization that I needed a blog.
So here we are.
As it turns out, we do know the nicknames for two presidents' penises: Harding's and Lyndon Johnson's, referred to as "Jumbo" of course. The rest are shrouded in secrecy, as they should be. But that doesn't mean I can't take a guess. It turns out that the presidents' own nicknames often make great penis-names. Sometimes campaign slogans or important events during their administrations work. You get the idea.
So...I made a list. Note that I have not included any living presidents because: 1) It feels wrong (not that Clinton's hasn't gotten plenty of press), and 2) I didn't want to think about Donald Trump's penis. Most of these should be relatively self-explanatory, or at least easily searchable. In a few instances I've included links or footnotes. Some presidents' willies get two nicknames because how can one choose between "Old Public Functionary" and "Ten-Cent Jimmy" for James Buchanan's bits? And just to be clear, one of William McKinley's nicknames really was Wobbly Willie.
|George Washington||Vernon (give it a minute)|
|John Adams||Colossus of Independence
|Thomas Jefferson||Long Tom|
|James Madison||His Little Majesty|
|James Monroe||Jeremiah Jingle Bolloc
|John Quincy Adams||Publicola|
|Andrew Jackson||Old Hickory|
|Martin Van Buren||The Little Magician
|William Henry Harrison||Hard Cider|
|John Tyler||His Accidency|
|James K. Polk||Young Hickory|
|Zachary Taylor||Old Rough and Ready|
|Millard Fillmore||Teacher’s Pet|
|Franklin Pierce||Handsome Frank|
|James Buchanan||Old Public Functionary
|Abraham Lincoln||The Rail Splitter|
|Andrew Johnson||The Grim Presence|
|Ulysses S. Grant||Unconditional Surrender|
|Rutherford B. Hayes||Samuel Tilden|
|James Garfield||Roscoe Conkling|
|Chester A. Arthur||Prince Arthur|
|Grover Cleveland||Big Steve|
|Benjamin Harrison||Little Ben|
|William McKinley||Wobbly Willie|
|Theodore Roosevelt||The Big Stick
|William Howard Taft||Big Bill|
|Woodrow Wilson||The Schoolmaster|
|Warren G. Harding||Jerry*
|Calvin Coolidge||Even Silenter Cal|
|Herbert Hoover||The Chief|
|Franklin Roosevelt||Arsenal of Democracy|
|Harry Truman||The Bomb
|Dwight D. Eisenhower||Operation Overlord
|John F. Kennedy||Jack|
|Richard Nixon||Tricky Dick|
|Gerald Ford||Warren G. Harding|
|Ronald Reagan||The Gipper|
There you have it. I almost hate to ask, but feel free to submit your own nicknames and maybe I'll consider them for an addendum or something.