Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Presidential Penis Nicknames

I need to start by apologizing in advance. To all of our dead presidents, to my friends, to my family, to you, to humanity: I am deeply sorry.

I've been thinking about this post on Presidential Penis Nicknames for longer than I care to admit. In many ways, the idea for this post is what spurred the creation of this blog in the first place. You see, a couple years ago a friend of mine sent me a message on Facebook asking if Warren G. Harding had sex with his dog.

Ordinarily I'd be shocked by such a suggestion, but I knew the basis of the question. Jon Stewart had recently done a segment involving Harding, and he very matter-of-factly implied that Harding used to have sex with Laddie Boy. I want to say that Stewart was clearly kidding, but apparently this one seemed, somehow, almost plausible?

Nonetheless, I assured my friend that although Harding and Laddie Boy were very close, they did not (to the best of my knowledge) have sex with each other. I did take the opportunity to tell her that Harding had nicknamed his penis "Jerry" because I never pass up opportunities to mention that. She asked if I knew the nicknames of other presidents' penises, and that led to a flurry of speculation and also to the realization that I needed a blog.

So here we are.

As it turns out, we do know the nicknames for two presidents' penises: Harding's and Lyndon Johnson's, referred to as "Jumbo" of course. The rest are shrouded in secrecy, as they should be. But that doesn't mean I can't take a guess. It turns out that the presidents' own nicknames often make great penis-names. Sometimes campaign slogans or important events during their administrations work. You get the idea.

So...I made a list. Note that I have not included any living presidents because: 1) It feels wrong (not that Clinton's hasn't gotten plenty of press), and 2) I didn't want to think about Donald Trump's penis. Most of these should be relatively self-explanatory, or at least easily searchable, but in a few instances I've included links. Some presidents' willies get two nicknames because how can one choose between "Old Public Functionary" and "Ten-Cent Jimmy" for James Buchanan's bits? And just to be clear, one of William McKinley's nicknames really was Wobbly Willie.

George Washington Vernon (give it a minute)
John Adams Colossus of Independence
His Rotundity
Thomas Jefferson Long Tom
James Madison His Little Majesty
James Monroe Jeremiah Jingle Bolloc
Cocked Hat
John Quincy Adams Publicola
Andrew Jackson Old Hickory
Martin Van Buren The Little Magician
Talleyrand
William Henry Harrison Hard Cider
John Tyler His Accidency
James K. Polk Young Hickory
Zachary Taylor Old Rough and Ready
Millard Fillmore Teacher’s Pet
Franklin Pierce Handsome Frank
James Buchanan Old Public Functionary
Ten-Cent Jimmy
Abraham Lincoln The Rail Splitter 
Andrew Johnson The Grim Presence 
Ulysses S. Grant Unconditional Surrender
Rutherford B. Hayes Samuel Tilden
James Garfield  Roscoe Conkling
Chester A. Arthur Prince Arthur
Grover Cleveland Big Steve
Benjamin Harrison Little Ben
William McKinley Wobbly Willie
Theodore Roosevelt The Big Stick
The Trust-Buster
William Howard Taft Big Bill
Woodrow Wilson The Schoolmaster
Warren G. Harding Jerry*
Laddie Boy
Calvin Coolidge Even Silenter Cal
Herbert Hoover The Chief
Franklin Roosevelt Arsenal of Democracy
Harry Truman The Bomb
The Hell-Giver
Dwight D. Eisenhower Operation Overlord
Sputnik
John F. Kennedy Jack
Lyndon Johnson Jumbo*
El BJ
Richard Nixon Tricky Dick
Gerald Ford Warren G. Harding
Ronald Reagan The Gipper

*Actual nickname

There you have it. I almost hate to ask, but feel free to submit your own nicknames and maybe I'll consider them for an addendum or something.

1 comment:

  1. The Rail Splitter made me laugh out loud. An actual lol.

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