Millard Fillmore Presidential Library/Bar

A while back I mentioned that I was listening to the DC Improv's podcast about finding the funniest president of all time. Shortly after I wrote that post, I heard the Millard Fillmore episode, in which the host interviews the two guys behind the (surprisingly popular) Millard Fillmore Twitter account. One of the guys mentioned that next time he's in Cleveland, he wants to check out the Millard Fillmore Presidential Library.

For a second I was very confused, and I could sense the host was, too. Ohio has birthed and housed lots of presidents, but Fillmore isn't one of them. Then Fillmore's alter ego explained, "It's a bar."

Well, the second I got home, I googled the place, and sure enough, there's a relatively new bar in Cleveland called the Millard Fillmore Presidential Library. Their awning says, "The nourishment is palatable," a nod to Fillmore's supposed last words. Their phone number ends in WHIG.

I was overwhelmed with excitement to learn this place existed, but also disappointed because I had just been in Cleveland a couple weeks before and could have gone.

Luckily, though, I found myself in Cleveland again this past week, and I was determined to make it to the Fillmore to check it out.

According to some of the reviews I'd read, it tends to get pretty crowded, especially when there's live music. Due to my tight schedule, though, my friend Becky and I arrived just before they opened at 4:00 on a Thursday afternoon. As one might suspect, it was not crowded at 4:00 on a Thursday afternoon.

We snapped a few photos, then headed inside. The first thing I noticed was a giant photo of Millard Fillmore on one of the walls, so I had Becky take a picture of me with it. I initially did a thing where I tried to cup his face with my hands, but Becky thought it was too weird to photograph.

Then we headed over to the bar, and I asked the owner (whose name I never got) if he had any special Millard Fillmore-themed drinks. He said he did: The Fillmore Manhattan, which is a Manhattan with shots of Grand Marnier and Jagermeister.

I told him instead of a Manhattan, he should call it a Buffalo.

I thought I was very clever, but then I realized people probably make that joke all the time. Then I realized, no, people probably don't.

Anyway, Manhattans aren't my thing, but when in Rome (or Cleveland, or Buffalo) you get the Fillmore Manhattan. The first sip kind of threw me because it was strong but after that I really enjoyed it. It was more than palatable.

I'm not generally very gregarious around people I don't know, but I also have a very low tolerance for alcohol and hadn't eaten all day, so after a few sips I was chatting up the owner and probably scaring him a little.

I asked the obvious question: "Why Millard Fillmore?" He kind of shrugged as if to say, "Why not," said he thought it was a good choice since Fillmore was neither Democrat nor Republican. Fair enough.

I told him about this blog, and I also told him about the guy who paints octopuses on vice presidents' heads. I had actually told the Veeptopus guy that he should send one of his Fillmore paintings to the bar, and I think he's planning on it. So I told the owner to be on the lookout.

The Veeptopus painting would go well with the other Fillmore- and president-inspired artwork around the bar.

See the books? Totally counts as a library.

There are some other amusing Fillmore-touches around the place, too, like the Abigail Fillmore sign on the ladies' room.

I asked the owner if he had any more of the stickers that lined the windows. He said he had sold out of them, but when I looked disappointed he said he'd dig around and try to find one, which he did. Yay!

I told Mr. Presidentressor I'm going to stick it on our bedroom window and I think he thinks I'm kidding.

Eventually our friend Amy met up with us, and she took a selfie with Franklin Pierce, who's her son's favorite president. (That's actually Becky in the photo, not Amy.)

We left to go to dinner before it got too late, so I can't say what it's like when things get hopping. I enjoyed it though, and I'll be sure to go back if/when I'm in Cleveland again. The bar has only been open for about 18 months, but I certainly hope it becomes a fixture. The owner said they recently had a birthday party for Fillmore and lots of people attended, so that's good to hear. (I was also bummed that I hadn't timed things a bit differently to be able to attend. Maybe next year.) Bottom line: All presidents should have libraries like this one.

Book Review: The Remarkable Millard Fillmore

Millard Fillmore, despite having an awesome name, is not one of my favorite presidents. I'd say he's probably no one's favorite president. (I sort of hope to get a bunch of hate mail from Fillmore fans now.) If I had a biography of every president sitting in front of me and needed to put them into a reading queue, Fillmore's would likely be somewhere around #40. And yet I did read a biography on him recently. Kind of.

The Remarkable Millard Fillmore by George Pendle is a biography in the sense that it contains some accurate biographical information. It also contains a lot of information that isn't true, but makes Fillmore seem more interesting than he really was.

The premise of the book is hilarious. In the preface, the author explains how he was incessantly mocked at the Biographer's Club for wanting to write about such an unremarkable subject. But he was lucky enough to come across several handwritten notebooks that Fillmore had left, which had never before been seen by a scholar. The rest is history...ish.

It turns out Fillmore met an incredible number of famous people and inadvertently caused (or failed to notice) some of the most important events of his day, like when he triggered the Panic of 1837 while trying to escape an enraged Martin Van Buren. He also housed a young Edgar Allan Poe, who was present when Andrew Jackson challenged Fillmore to a duel. (It was also Fillmore who suggested Poe write a poem about a bird.) There are plenty of other fascinating people and adventures along the way, many of which are more important than the ones I've mentioned here, but I don't want to give away any spoilers. But most of them involve Fillmore acting as an unsuspecting halfwit.

The book does get a little dry in some places. I guess even satire can't make Millard Fillmore that interesting, but for the most part it's an entertaining read. (There are some especially amusing gems in the footnotes.) What makes the book work is that it's written so seriously. Unlike more slapstick and obvious parodies, this one is more nuanced. The Remarkable Millard Fillmore reads exactly like a scholarly biography that just happens to involve some completely implausible scenarios.

The end of the book does include notes detailing parts of Fillmore's story that really did happen. (Or, rather, events that can be corroborated by other sources, but don't necessarily preclude the additional events the author claims happened.)

The best part isn't even the book itself; it's the 1-star reviews on Amazon. So many people complain that they were expecting a serious work of nonfiction and instead were duped into buying a piece of satire. If it weren't for the cover photo--which shows Millard Fillmore sitting on a unicorn--their complaints would be valid. (I do have a review there, too, which is basically a shorter version of this post. I didn't plagiarize anyone but myself.)

Did this book inspire me to read an actual biography of Millard Fillmore? No, I'm good. But it did make me regret not having come up with the idea of writing a fake presidential biography.